i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
3pm strippers are depressing
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
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