Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
