im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
