The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
