your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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