I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've blown a few things in my day
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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