My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
