Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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