First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
