i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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