So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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