I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
