I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
