How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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