"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
