that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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