I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
