I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
