literally had 100 drinks last night.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
