I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
