When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
