How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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