You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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