You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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