Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You are a genius and a whore.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
