The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
