naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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