Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
