If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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