Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
