Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
