Little spoons don't ask big questions
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
