He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
