drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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