but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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