I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
