it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
