Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
