this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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