how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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