I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
