I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
