Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
