The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
