Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
