I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
