I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
