Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
