Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
