Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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