He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
