i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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