Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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