Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i dont even know how to be here
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
