My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
