piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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