In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
