I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
