I'm eating all of the evidence.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
