There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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