This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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