the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
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Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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